The Need to Choose Marriage with a Born-Again Christian
God Has the Best Plan for Our Love Life
Marriage was God’s idea. Sex within marriage was God’s idea. The Bible tells us that marriage is so profound and wonderful that it unites a man and a woman at the depth of their being (Gen 2:24) and it is meant to be a symbolic display of the glorious relationship between Jesus Christ and the Church (Eph 5:31-32). Contrary to a secular conception of marriage which only includes only two parties, Christian marriage includes a third party, God Himself. Because a Christian’s life is meant to glorify God in whatever one does (1 Cor 10:31), marriage should also glorify God. And the only ones who can consciously glorify God with their lips, actions and lives are those who have experienced the grace of God’s forgiveness of sin in the person and work of Jesus and have placed their trust in Jesus. This is why the Gospel is the foundation of our understanding about this subject; if we have encountered God in the Gospel, it means that our hearts have been transformed so that we now desire every aspect of life to be yielded to God including our choice of a marriage partner. What we discover in the Scriptures is that both in the Old and New Testament, God’s people are commanded to choose marriage only with a person who belongs to God. Plainly speaking, Christians should only marry another Christian. It is important to note that the issue is not race because we find that converts who turned to worship the LORD, the God of the Bible, were accepted among the people of God in the Old Testament. These can be seen in the conversions of Rahab, Moses’s wife Zipporah, Ruth, and all those who by the time of Ezra had “joined (the people of Israel) and separated himself from the uncleanness of the peoples of the land to worship the LORD the God of Israel.” In the New Testament also, the Gospel has removed any hostility or racial prejudice because Christ has brought peace between all people groups by His sacrifice on the cross (Eph 2:11-22). The issue of “who to marry” is not race, but religion. Moreover, genuine faith is not merely nominal/cultural, but a life that reflects that faith in Christ. Christians need to choose a marriage partner who professes Christ and lives for Christ in every aspect of life. Below is a brief and simple exposition of some of the key passages that relate to the subject at hand.
Deuteronomy 7:1-5
(This passage is central because Jews in later periods often referred to the first five books of the Old Testament [Moses’ Torah] as the foundational moral standard and instruction. They especially referred to the Book of Deuteronomy.)
In this specific time in Israel’s history, God had commanded that Israel acts as the agent of His punishment against the sins of certain people groups when “their iniquity has been completed.” God is clear that in this period of Israel under the Old Covenant that they are to devote the pagan worshippers to destruction and make “no covenant with them.” An aspect of making a covenant with pagans is not only to allow them to coexist, but to open up the possibility of “intermarrying with them” so that Jewish sons would marry pagan women and Jewish daughters would be given to pagan men in marriage. This is strictly forbidden by God as he warns that “they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods.” Within the context of Ezra, while the command to wipe out pagan groups was sobering, unique and specific only to the Jews in that particular period in biblical history, such actions of using force and taking the life of others cannot be repeated and must not be used by Christians under the New Covenant. However, the principle of keeping marriage pure within only the covenant people of God stands; Christians should only marry those who worship the God of the Bible. The deeper problem among God’s people had always been idolatry whereas God’s priority was pure worship; therefore, the foundational reason for choosing a spouse who worships the LORD is so that the follower of God would remain faithful to God in his or her worship.
Ezra 9-10
God had raised up Ezra the priest to return to Jerusalem with a second wave of returnees from Exile in Persia to instruct God’s people in God’s Word so that they would be a people who worship God in obedience in accordance to the Scriptures. Shortly after, Ezra grieved over the sin of many of the Israelites (including their leaders) because they had sinned by intermarrying with pagans who had not converted to Judaism. It is important to note that the basis by which Ezra assessed this act of inter-religious marriage was based on the Torah, the writings of Moses in the first five books of the Bible, and he referred specifically to Deuteronomy. It is equally important to note that Ezra refers to these acts of marrying pagans as “iniquities,” “guilt” (Ezra 9:6) and “the breaking of faith” (Ezra 10:10). It is clear that the author portrays Ezra’s confession of sin on behalf of the community as appropriate. The Jews were impacted by Ezra’s penitent response and followed suit by making confession and restitution. Perhaps what is most shocking to modern readers of this Biblical account is that the resulting action is to put away their pagan wives and children. Due to the pervasiveness and seriousness of this sin, especially at this point in redemptive history (cf. Ezra 9:8ff), it required extreme measures. Unfortunately, the narrative does not give more information about how these women and children would be provided for although some commentators note that they may have returned to the house of the woman’s father. The point is that the act of marrying unconverted pagans was still sin even after 800 years since the time that Moses gave the command.
Malachi 2:10-16
The important thing to note here is that God’s will for marriage is that families would produce “godly offspring” who would be devoted to loving, obeying and worshipping the LORD. This is relevant to the current discussion because it is the role of both parents to raise their children to worship God (Eph 6:4; Deut 6:7-9; Prov 1:7-9; 4:1-13). Statistics show that religious affiliation of parents positively affect the religious affiliation of their children, and some statistics even show a stronger influence of passing down faith by the father when compared to the mother. This sociological observation affirms the Biblical priority that both parents should be devoted to the LORD and raise up their children in the LORD. By being faithful in the spiritual upbringing of their children, parents become the means of influencing their children toward salvation as they entrust their children to God. God’s intent in marriage for godly offspring relates to the priority of Christians finding a spouse who also worships and serves God.
1 Corinthians 7:39; 9:5
The Apostle Paul writes that “A wife is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” We should pause and be amazed by the fact that in God’s sovereignty, he gives an unmarried Christian a choice to marry “whom she wishes”; God give us the freedom to choose our spouse. However, there is only one condition: he must be “in the Lord.” Later in 1 Corinthians 9:5, Paul and Barnabas raise the consideration of marrying a wife, but they specify, in such a case, that they would “take along a believing wife.” A Christian should only marry another Christian.
2 Corinthians 6:14-7:1
The theme of not being “unequally yoked” is a continual theme in the Bible which says that God’s people should separate themselves from non-Christians when the non-Christians are participating in sinful activities (Rev 18:4; 1 Pet 2:11-12; 4:3-4). In an earlier letter by Paul, he indicates that this principle is not absolute and does not apply to neutral social settings such as having a meal together (1 Cor 5:9-10; 10:27). However, this passage specifies that we should separate from relationships that influence us to adopt a sinful lifestyle and worldviews; this is the meaning of being “yoked” which refers to a horizontal bar put on two oxen so that both would move in the same direction. In other words, being “unequally yoked” refers to being in an intimate relationship which can influence you to live a certain way. Therefore, Christians ought not to enter in relationships where the sinful and worldly influence of non-Christians inevitably compromise Christian behaviour. If such a relationship is evident, then the Christian should not engage in such a relationship at all. Or if Christians find themselves in such relationships, they should disengage from that relationship. Since marriage is the closest human relationship, marriage would be included in the intimate relationship about which this passage speaks.
What about friendships in general? Because the Apostle Paul taught that this principle does not refer to every single social context and friendships have various degrees of mutual influence, Christians should use discernment and seek godly advice to make decisions as to how close of a friendship they should develop with a non-believer and how to draw necessary boundaries.
1 Corinthians 7:12-16; 1 Peter 3:1-2
In the New Covenant, there are further instructions that a believer who is already married to a non-Christian ought not to divorce their spouse. Such a Christian should remain married to their non-Christian spouse, be faithful to their spouse and try to influence their spouse towards faith in Jesus. These passages describe a situation where a Christian is already married to a non-Christian and does not justify an unmarried Christian choosing to marry a non-Christian. Furthermore, the instruction is that there is hope that the non-Christian spouse might be influenced towards faith in the Gospel through that of the Christian (7:14) although this is not a guarantee (7:16). This, however, must not be used by unmarried Christians to justify their actions to try to convert a non-Christian by being in a romantic relationship because the Bible does not teach this as a legitimate method.
The Issue is Our Heart
After having examined these passages, we should conclude that it has always been God’s will for His covenantal people to choose marriage with someone who is also within the covenant. Christians should only choose to marry another Christian. In Western churches, there has been an erroneous idea that somehow it is okay to date a non-Christian as long as one brings the non-Christian partner to church and as long as one seeks opportunities to evangelize them. Such a practice is an invention of man, but it is not taught in Scripture. It is equivalent to Sarah taking things into her own hands because she could not wait for God to grant her pregnancy; the consequences of her decision were devastating (Gen 16). A Christian should not presume on what God can do (in converting one’s non-Christian boyfriend or girlfriend), but he/she should do according to what God has already commanded. In this case, God has commanded that we choose a marriage partner or a romantic prospect from among Christians.
After having spoken with many Christians who have struggled with such a life-choice, I have concluded that the struggle surrounds one’s heart. I don’t deny the struggle in loneliness, in wanting marriage, in the difficulty in waiting for God’s timing, and in the relatively fewer Christian prospects around us due to the secularization of our city, etc. But at the end of the day, the question is: “Who or what do you love more? Is God the One whom you love the most? More than that, will you trust this God who loves you more than anyone in the world with your life love?”